I wish my penis had an off switch
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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