I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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