this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
