sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize