Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
