do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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