Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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