He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
