Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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