Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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