Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
