sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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