Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
