Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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