dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
MIDGETS
????
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
