There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I will be naked everywhere
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize