Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
