yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
