??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
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