I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I forget how to act sober
True college students do jello shots in the library
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
