Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
