Don't make out with my wife yet
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
