Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
