Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
