Well douche your snatch and let's go!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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