I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
