im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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