woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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