So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
