I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
