I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
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