Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
