I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
