just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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