Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
