Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
