I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
