That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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