apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
