My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
