hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
