Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
