Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
