Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish you could order shots online.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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