She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
