are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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