I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
