Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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