1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
