I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
