I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im holly from the hills drunk
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
