Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Even my vagina gasped.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
