i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
