Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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