I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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