I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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