I think I am morally bankrupt
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
