I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
