I just saw a hot homeless man
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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