My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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