why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
