a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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