Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
