im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize