I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
