Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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